Again, I'm (unsuccessfully) trying to work on a Saturday afternoon. I keep telling myself if I'm not working on job materials, I should do something else productive. What I should really do is start responding to the backlog of emails I need to attend to - emails full of sweet sentiments from my dear friends. But I can't do it. I'm sorry. It's just really hard to talk to people right now. It's not that I'm sad all the time. I still have moments of overwhelming grief, but they are fleeting. Right now, my brain is dominated by the dissertation, the job market, and "the future" - whatever that might entail. It's just a really rough period. I'm just rolling with the punches, taking one day at a time, and any other cliche you can think of.
My goal is to be productive each day. I need to adopt a kind of single-mindedness in order to do this, and it often means I need to let things like correspondence go. I'm managing my own emotions and fears, but I really can't hold anyone else's at the moment. I'm sorry.
I know people want to know I'm better, but in order to do that, it feels like I need to adopt some version of a "happy face," pretend like everything in the past month didn't happen, and act like I'm not constantly tormented by all the things that collectively make my "new normal." I'm not very good at doing that, so I'm not even trying.
I'm applying for jobs. The academic job market is kind of like a regular job search, except it's on steroids. I know a lot of people who don't really live in this world can't quite wrap their heads around what "Ann's looking for a job" means. I happened across this blog entry by Doctor Cleveland while working on The Shakespeare Standard this week, and I thought I would share it here. It gives a good sense of what the job market in my field is like.
I have had a few people tell me recently that the reason they never responded to me about the miscarriage was "they didn't know what to say" or "they didn't know what to do." I understand this; I really do. I didn't know what to say or do either. But why did I have to find my way through this myself? Why couldn't we have been honest, silent, and dumbfounded together? I ran across this resource today about how to help someone who has gone through a miscarriage or infant loss. I thought I would post it here in hopes the it might prove useful to someone else in the future.
So again, I'm sorry I've been silent. I'm just trying to take care of myself and make it through these long days.
this thankful week
9 months ago
4 comments:
Thanks for your thoughts, and know we're all thinking of you (even from far away!).
But, even better, I'll see you just a few days!!!! :)
I just got caught up with your blog, and read the sad news. I've been through this experience myself, so here is my number in case you or Ben want to talk about it: 319-491-2840. You're right: people do not know what to say, so they say nothing. Just try to remember, it doesn't mean they don't care. And so I'm not one of those people (and for what free advice is worth: Know it will never get "easier," just "less hard." My thoughts are with you, even if you decide not to get in touch. Take care of each other, and much love to you both.
Dear Annmarie,
I'm very sorry for your loss, and for the grief that you're going through.
I hope that blog post of mine doesn't discourage you. It was never my intention to add to jobseekers' anxiety, least of all when they're struggling with personal losses. (But if the point of the link was to help your non-academic friends and relatives understand what the challenges are, I hope that was useful.) I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.
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