Prayers For This Child

First, I feel like I should say sometimes I feel badly that I keep writing these posts. I don't really want to be "that blogger" that's sad all the time. On the other hand, I write; that's what I do. That's how I'm getting through these days. And sure, I could just save them as word files, but after reading a few other bloggers' accounts of their miscarriages and watching this Momversation video on miscarriage, I really felt like I needed to go public with my grief. People don't talk about miscarriages. I used to think that was wrong; now I know it is wrong.

If any of you know me in real life or have followed this blog, you will have surmised that I'm a little obsessed with the recording artist Sara Groves. Recently, I discovered I could get her early albums for $1-2 on Amazon. Just as we started trying for this baby, I got The Other Side of Something in the mail, and I had been listening to it obsessively. And just as I began to think we were pregnant, I encountered her song, "Prayers For This Child" on the bonus CD. I really began to think of it as our - the baby and my's - song. I set about memorizing it, and I imagined singing it to him or her. I checked Web sites, so I would know when he or she could begin to hear me, when we could begin to share this song.

I didn't have the courage to listen to it again until yesterday. The meaning of the lyrics shifted completely, but it was clear that this was still our song. I now listen to it on repeat.

Prayers for this Child

I do not know how I am to pray for this child
as a mother I don't want my baby denied
but in the waiting, in the waiting
I learned to hold onto the heart of God

Every instinct in me wants to shield him from pain
take the arrows of misery, heartache, and blame
but in the sorrow, in the sorrow
I learned to hold on the heart of God

I only have two eyes - be all seeing
I only have two hands - be everywhere
I do not know enough - be all knowing
I give my baby up into your care

I do not know how I am to pray for this child
I want to guard him from everything wicked and wild
but in the trial, in the trial
I learned to hold on
And in the trial, in your trials
you'll learn to hold on to the heart of God