Silence

*Sound of Crickets*



Yup. I haven't written on here lately. Now as I sit here, with a to-do list miles long, trying to work on a Saturday afternoon, and I'm instead staring off into space. So I thought I would try to give an update.

In case you don't know, the day of my last entry, one of my dissertation advisors died. She had battled cancer a long time, but it still came as a shock to me.

Since Huston's death, I haven't had much to say. I'm sad. At times, I'm angry. I am so, so overwhelmed by grief and stress. But I have nothing articulate to say about these feelings.

Some days it feels impossible to get out of bed, let alone get dressed. But somehow I do it. Sully and I go on lots of walks in the beautiful autumn sunshine. I'm making some semblance of progress on my chapter. I teach. I eat. I sleep.

I don't cry. For almost a week straight I didn't cry. It's not that I don't want to. Crying would be a relief. As I explained it all to my counselor, she said, "Ann, can you stop thinking and start feeling?" It was hard, but I did it. I started crying and didn't stop for fifty minutes.

But for the most part, I don't cry outside her office. There's too much to worry about, to think about. Too many people to be happy for.

Yesterday I was working, and had Pandora on. Lifehouse's "From Where You Are" came on. I don't know that I had heard it before (apparently it was written for an AllState campaign/commerical on teen driving deaths). But it was everything I hadn't been able to articulate for the past week. I cried. It was good.